Okay, folks, the question on the table is: What if I choose my life, exactly as it is in this moment?
Will I cease to reach for my dreams? Will I become lazy? Will I be settling for a mediocre, mind-numbing, sad, sad life?
What if I choose me, exactly as I am?
Choose my job.
Choose my relationship.
Choose my desire for more.
What if I choose love? Is this what choosing love looks like?
What if in choosing what is, I give up the struggle that keeps me in chronic dissatisfaction?
What if I stop trying to break free and just allow myself to be free?
Nothing to fix. Nothing to change.
In each and every moment, I choose to accept each and every moment.
And not to accept it, with the drudgery one accepts a chore like cleaning the toilet, but rather to embrace it, to find what is deliriously delicious and fun about it.
‘Cause let’s be honest: a clean toilet is a pretty nice thing. For me, a clean anything is a pretty nice thing. It feels satisfying. It feels good. Oh wait—I thought I hated cleaning, but maybe I love it. Maybe it feels really really good.
And if my choice is to feel good (and it is) no matter what, ‘cause quite frankly when I feel good, the stuff outside me doesn’t really matter all that much, then maybe it would be a good idea to focus my attention on choosing my life, exactly as it is in this moment. ‘Cause that feels good.
And this feeling can co-exist with wanting more. Which feels pretty good too. Of course I want more. I’m going to want more until the last breath I take. It’s the nature of creating, of living, breathing, being alive.
No place to get to. A constant unfolding.
Nothing to be. I already am. And I already am. And I already am. Constantly unfolding.
So what might this look like?
I don’t have the answer, though I suspect I know where this is heading and it’s going to be a good ride. A fun ride.
And not knowing can feel uncomfortable. There’s a nagging feeling that I’m about to do something terribly wrong if I don’t work really really hard to make everything how I want it. I’ll never “get anywhere and everything will turn to shit.” I wonder where this conditioned thinking comes from, but that wondering might just be a way to spin my wheels a while and stay here in the comfort of my dissatisfaction, cause hey, at least I’m doing something.
But not today, friends. Today I am choosing life exactly as it is. And it feels a little uneasy. And I’m taking it one day at a time, giving myself permission to turn back if it doesn’t turn out feeling so good. Permission to change my mind. Make a new choice.
Now there’s a liberating feeling. “You mean I can change my mind? Just like that? (and not be wishy washy or weak),” you wonder. Yep and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s kind of a badass and very brave thing to do.
It’s 2:17 am. I was tired and went to bed super early last night. Maybe that’s why I’m wide awake now. I was fighting it for a while, and now I’m choosing it. And lucky for me, I’m still on summer break and I’ve no place to get to first thing in the morning. So what’s the big deal? What they say about getting a good night’s sleep (I’ve said it to my teenagers hundreds of times) or embracing what is so in this moment?
This is some good stuff. And I’m getting sleepy. And I’m a little scared. I don’t know why exactly. I expect things are going to work out pretty well. Maybe it’s just that taking a new path is a little scary. It’s why we stay on the same one so long sometimes.
So, no pressure my love. Take all the time you need. I am here with you. I am in awe of your courage. I’ve got your back, no matter what.
P.S. A fun game to get you in the mood for choosing you:
Think about the things you are choosing today and then why you choose them. If you have time, write it down. It helps.
It’s okay if you can only find two reasons why. Start where you are, and pay attention to what happens next. More thoughts about why or resistance (that would be all the reasons why you don’t choose it, why it makes no sense to choose it, wtf is wrong with all of it)? Just notice. Then return to the why.
Finally, celebrate your awesomeness. This is the kind of game where you win, because you showed up and played. Go ahead, take a victory lap. Jump up and down. Pump your arms in the air. Dance.