“Re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”
—Walt Whitman, preface of Leaves of Grass
What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with me? What do I have to do (fix, change, obliterate) to get it right? To make things work.
Just hearing these words makes me feel exhausted. I want to climb back in bed and pull the covers over my head. Because of the conditions happening outside of me? Maybe a little, but mostly, it’s the conversation going on in my head that is killing my life force energy. Not to mention that trying to kill off a part of myself — in order to be right — feels pretty awful.
This morning I woke up feeling kind of excited, in spite of some kind of sucky outer circumstances. For a moment I felt like I was standing in the eye of the storm, wind whipping my hair in that dramatic way you see in the movies. I looked at life and said yes. Give me all ya got. I’m ready for more abundance, more love, more inspiration, more success. More money. I trust that you have my back. I trust that even though things are looking a little wonky right now, you are giving me exactly what I need to get where I am going.
Two days ago, prompted by a 12-minute Abraham-Hicks video and my love of experiments, I declared I expect it’s going to be a great day, filled with relaxation, ease, acceptance and goodness. And it was. And at the end of the day I found out that the mold that had been remediated in my bathroom a year ago is back. The leak that caused the mold is coming from the shower of my upstairs neighbors (I am a renter) and was improperly diagnosed.
Last year, I freaked out. This time, I feel bummed, and relaxed. This time I know what to do. This time, the landlord is working with me, with ease.
Yesterday I made the same declaration as I was driving to work. Really getting into the feelings of relaxation and ease. The day that followed was mostly in tune, and then last night I got an email from a publisher I had sent my book proposal to: they were very kind in their rejection of my book. I was bummed. Again.
Practicing ease and acceptance I did exactly what my body was asking for — I climbed in bed at 7:30pm and pulled the covers over my head.
Just to offer a bit of contrast, here’s what I did not do (that I might have done before): I did not step over the sad, disappointed part who was wondering what she had done wrong. I did not discount her feelings or try to cheer her up, because of my own discomfort. Because let’s face it: that just piles on the layers of wrongness. First the doing it wrong that led to the feelings and then the wrongness of the feelings. Double whammy. Really freaking hard to recover from. Can take weeks. Months. Years.
Acceptance = resilience. I wake up ready for more.
Despite my thoughts last night to trash this whole “expecting good things” experiment, I do it again. I say out loud. Ok. Here we are. I expect it’s going to be a lovely day. To my desire for relaxation and ease I add joy, inspiration and fun. Hell yes. I feel the wind blowing my hair back. I’ve got this.
To quote my bff Geri, who texted me this morning:
“What if you don’t expect anything good, bad, or otherwise from circumstances OUTSIDE of yourself, but decide to go for the best possible feeling INSIDE yourself.”
Yep, life is on my side and is sending me angels and guidance all the time.
I can spend my thinking energy in what might go wrong (and I do, with great ease when I’m cruising on autopilot).
I can spend my thinking energy in what might go right (a publisher who is a better match is waiting to connect with me. Or, my book will work it’s slow magic on the publisher who first said no thank you. The words returning to them over and over again as they walk through their daily life). Yes, this feels like real possibility! Yes, this kind of thinking (for me) requires practice and is most easily accessed through acceptance of what is.
I can stop trying so hard and just be. This one too requires practice. The fun kind of practice. The joyful kind of practice. The practice of going back to bed because my sinuses hurt and I feel worn out and the flu is going around school (where I work). Joyful beyond measure that today is my day off and I can do just that.
And none of these is right or wrong.
I am free. I have options. I get to choose. So do you.
Bring it on baby. What does this stir up for you? Leave a comment. Join in the revolution.
As always, offered with great love. The human in me, bows to the human in you.
2 thoughts on “Why isn’t it working for me? Another mindful exploration of life…”
I love this! And I’m so honored to be included in your magic! I read it to Andrew. He really likes the way you write.😊 You’ve got this!! G xoxo
Sent from my iPad
And I love you. Thanks for your love, support, inspiration, joy and wondrous sense of adventure.