Last night I was awakened at 2:30 am by the nastiest voice. In my head. Mean mean mean.
And what I find most interesting — there was a bit of truth in there. I know, I know. It goes against everything I talk about… listening to that voice.
It wasn’t the words that were true. Not in the least. The feeling underneath the words… yes. A moment of truth. I got out of bed, Put on a big fuzzy robe. Got a glass of water and opened my computer to write.
Here’s a brief sample:
Why start? I never finish.
I suck that way. Can’t get shit done. Never good enough. To be sure, there are ways I do not suck. I’m great at cleaning and organizing. I love metaphysical, meditation, awareness practice. I love the idea of tuning into the mystery. And then… I don’t do it.
I’m so freaking disgusted with myself.
I’m scared. I’m scared it’s all bullshit. That you are not here with me. (I’m speaking with the Goddess in my journaling). That if I show up, nothing will come through. That I can’t do it. That I don’t …..
Oh, you get the point. No need to drone on about it. So here I am in the middle of the night. You got me out of bed. What is it you want to say to me?
No soothing bullshit either. Give me the goods.
We’re with you boo. We love you. We’re with you. (I’ve begun calling on my grandmothers and ancestors for guidance).You are not alone. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be mad. Keep going.
You’re frustrated. And disappointed. You are showing up and you want more. You want more for and from yourself. From life.
You want in the game.
Why am I so fucking lazy???? Why do I fight doing the things that I know make me feel good??? Water, breathing, meditating, dancing…… WTF.
Help help help help help help help help help help help help
Nothing comes next. This is it. This is everything. This moment here alone in the dark is everything. Breathe.
I like the quiet. It feels good.
The solution does not exist at the level of the problem. You are in the problem. The problem of you. The question of you. The Opportunity of you. The Magic of you. The mystery of you. This is what it means to be here now.
Oh, great mother guide me. Pull me into your magnetic embrace. Show me the way. Let me be brave enough to take the first step and then the next.
It’s still missing. The thing. The thing that I am here for. I don’t want to be soothed back to sleep.
Be with my love and the next moment will come. The one you are waiting for. Nothing is wrong. You are not wrong. You are not where you want to be and you are exactly where you are.
Stop trying to be someplace else for just a bit and be with yourself here now. Sad. Disappointed. Confused. Frustrated. Not knowing…. No place to get to.
YES! I have some place to get to.
What’s the right thing to be doing? This, this feels like wasting time.
Wasting time, that’s an old paradigm my love.
Ok, fine. Help me understand this new paradigm then. Understand it in my bones, so it pours out of me as naturally as the next step I take.
Stop looking back. There is only now. You can’t change what you didn’t do yesterday, and looking back at what you didn’t do yesterday is quicksand.
Breathe. No beatings today my love.
My legs ache. Yes.
I’m scared. This is it. It won’t get any better than this. Yes.
This is the place my love. Be here now. You are not alone. It’s ok to be scared. What does scared feel like? Like curling in a ball. Tight jaw. Pulling the covers over my head. Holding holding holding. Never really relaxing. Never really getting still. But creating the illusion. The never satisfying illusion.
Very good. Thank you for showing up. You can go back to bed now.
I did and sleep came easy. And this morning I got to work (play). I feel inspired. I don’t think this is over. I don’t think it’s supposed to be. There’s nothing wrong going on here.
I hope this sharing allows you to tune into your whole self today. Inspires and frees you to do what you are here to do. Play.
And maybe it’s just some batshit crazy middle of the night ramblings. But I don’t think so.
How are you today, my love? It’s a wild world we’re living in.
Remember to breathe.
P.S. I’m not rereading or editing this post today cause if I do, I may delete, delete, delete. So here’s the invitation — come as you are. Perfection not required.